joke of the day thread

[ca]

gotta keep you guys awake somehow so i'ma just gonna put all the jokes i find in one thread rather than makin a new each time=


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.


He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow
hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going To be when he grows older?' The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son
in-law.'

[w2zero]

In the newspaper is a story about a jail break today. A dwarf, psychic tunneled out.

The headline reads; SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE

[Rob]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[Rob]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[ca]

Mary with the cherry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out t he gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

[ca]

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

[ca]

THE 6 BEST SMART-ASS ANSWERS OF THE YEAR

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked
John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see
your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for
her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I
could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead".
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him
and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this
bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious
personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate
family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his
hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said
I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly
at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand

[ca]

Al McGuire - "Don't ever marry a beautiful woman, as she might end up leaving you".

Rick Majerus - "Well, an ugly woman might leave me just as well".

Al McGuire - "Yeah, but it won't matter".

[man0009]

Celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Robin Hood-All-purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

[ca]

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed . Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 83.

The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in - and then all the trouble started.

[ca]

Joe has been having severe headaches for several years now and his wife finally convinced him to see a neurologist.The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that, it will require castration, You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles, to press on your spine!, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles!!".
Joe was shocked, and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital after the surgery, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. He walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning, and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, that's what I need, a new suit. He entered the shop, and told the salesman, I'd like a new suit.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said, let's see . ..size 44 long. Joe laughed, that's right, how did you know? Been in the business 60 years, the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, how about a new shirt?. Joe thought for a moment, and then said, sure. The salesman eyed Joe, and said, let's see, 34" sleeves, and 16.5 neck. Joe was surprised, that's right, how did you know?.. Been in the business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, how about some new underwear? Joe thought for a moment and said, sure. The salesman said, ...let's see . . . size 36. Joe laughed, ah ha!! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old. The salesman shook his head, you can't wear a size 34.... A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine... and give you one hell of a headache. New suit - 500$, New shirt - $40, New underwear - $10... Second Opinion- PRICELESS!!

[ca]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blond, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blond," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blond, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blond."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her top to reveal a splendid pair of 38Ds.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blond, Mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."

[ca]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son
is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough
for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he
is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his
head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh!
Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops
of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant 'Take another drink!' The bartender continues to shake his head in
dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores
the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head,
clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy,
but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the
last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The
father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on
his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through
the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him
instantly The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender
sighs and says, He should have quit while he was a head!

[Rob]

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

[Rob]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"