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Post by ca on Apr 18, 2008 18:42:29 GMT -5
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
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Post by ca on Apr 19, 2008 14:12:03 GMT -5
i think this is hilarious so i cleaned it up. if any of this stuff offends anyone please say so. i don't want to push it.
man was having problems with premature ......., so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ......., try startling yourself."
That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the .. position.
The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ... and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my ....., and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
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Post by Rob on Apr 20, 2008 7:43:38 GMT -5
We've prolly seen a lot of these, but fwiw.
Ponder isms: 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian bac kwards: NAIVE *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa
Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 5. There are three religious truths: < /SPAN> a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* 8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? * ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* < BR>10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? *~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~* 12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me They're cramming for their final exam. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells... 'THEIRS'?
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Post by ca on Apr 22, 2008 2:40:45 GMT -5
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my d*** and a car hit me.
why else would I buy dog food
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Post by Rob on Apr 22, 2008 8:19:37 GMT -5
Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."
They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.
On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."
All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket please."
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Post by Rob on Apr 22, 2008 8:30:48 GMT -5
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away . . .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President anymore and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!" The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow"
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Post by Rob on Apr 22, 2008 8:38:32 GMT -5
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of, Georgia, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Upstate New York were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."
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Post by arie on Apr 22, 2008 21:28:15 GMT -5
;D At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." I thought it was the act of doing things for other people. I then heard these terms which use the word "service": Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Telephone Service, Civil Service, City & County Public Service, Customer Service, and Service Stations. Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant... So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM!!! ... It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us! I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
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Post by Rob on Apr 23, 2008 11:51:34 GMT -5
Yes indeed, we are all well serviced.
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Post by Rob on Apr 23, 2008 12:00:53 GMT -5
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too d**n ugly to kiss goodbye."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)
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Post by Rob on Apr 23, 2008 12:03:25 GMT -5
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let’s get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"
The guy in the front said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
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Post by ca on Apr 25, 2008 16:18:16 GMT -5
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
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Post by ca on Apr 28, 2008 14:49:11 GMT -5
I was out hunting yesterday and managed to bag myself a deer. I cut it up on the spot and brought it home. Last night I cooked it for the family but kept what it was from the kids as a surprise. I told them I'd give them a clue as to what it was as we sat around the dinner table. Anyway, I told them it is was something their Mom calls me. My little girl cried out "Dont' eat it - it's a a$$hole"
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Post by johnc118 on Apr 29, 2008 8:20:53 GMT -5
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Post by Rob on May 7, 2008 21:59:57 GMT -5
A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer
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