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Post by my63babydoll on Apr 11, 2008 15:26:20 GMT -5
This one is for you CA,
A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?"
The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
The guy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"
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Post by my63babydoll on Apr 11, 2008 15:27:56 GMT -5
Another one for you Ca
I met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked if I 'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom you still awake?"
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Post by my63babydoll on Apr 11, 2008 15:29:34 GMT -5
I have been this way a time or two!!!!!
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.
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Post by my63babydoll on Apr 11, 2008 15:32:20 GMT -5
Could have use one of these.
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, the fellow started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy"
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Post by my63babydoll on Apr 11, 2008 15:36:27 GMT -5
last one for today
A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.
'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.
'Why of course!'
'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'
'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.
'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!
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Post by ca on Apr 14, 2008 12:43:51 GMT -5
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH.'
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Post by Rob on Apr 14, 2008 14:18:12 GMT -5
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
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Post by Rob on Apr 14, 2008 14:20:29 GMT -5
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
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Post by ca on Apr 15, 2008 12:49:55 GMT -5
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch
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Post by Rob on Apr 16, 2008 10:33:40 GMT -5
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads: "Da End iss Near! Turn Yourself Aroundt Now Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"
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Post by Rob on Apr 16, 2008 10:34:16 GMT -5
The Divorced Barbie Doll One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95". The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?" The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir.., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends"
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Post by ca on Apr 16, 2008 11:45:18 GMT -5
don't know if i've seen this one on here before or not..........
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
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Post by gemini on Apr 16, 2008 23:50:03 GMT -5
2 native women are picking carrots, ugh this reminds me of my husbands cock. The other women says cause it's so BIG ? The first women says - cause it's so dirty.
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Post by ca on Apr 17, 2008 2:19:02 GMT -5
dewd
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Post by Rob on Apr 17, 2008 7:25:13 GMT -5
To my friends and family who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor) bec ause alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap. (edited)
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
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