|
Post by ca on May 27, 2008 14:45:48 GMT -5
Subject: No Petrol. A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered,
|
|
|
Post by ca on May 28, 2008 12:52:58 GMT -5
A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde...
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls.'
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, the blonde asked,
'Does it hurt like tennis elbow?'
|
|
|
Post by ca on Jun 10, 2008 15:10:37 GMT -5
this aint a joke but it's funny ;D
> > > Just a little reminder on how life can seem to be > > going right and then go > > > very wrong .... enjoy ... > > > > > > Why I fired my Secretary > > > > > > Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very > > well waking up on that > > > morning. > > > I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would > > be pleasant and say, > > > 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small > > present for me. > > > As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let > > alone ' Happy > > > Birthday.' > > > I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but > > the kids... They will > > > remember. > > > My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and > > didn't say a word. So > > > when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and > > somewhat despondent. > > > As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, > > 'Good Morning Boss, > > > and > > > by the way Happy Birthday ! ' > > > It felt a little better that at least someone had > > remembered. > > > I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on > > my door and said, 'You > > > know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is > > your Birthday, what do > > > you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' > > > I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest > > thing I've heard all day. Let's > > > go !' > > > We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we > > normally would go. She chose > > > instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had > > two martinis each > > > and > > > I enjoyed the meal tremendously. > > > On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You > > know, It's such a beautiful > > > day... We don't need to go straight back to the > > office, Do We ?' > > > I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in > > mind ?' > > > She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, > > it's just around the corner.' > > > After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and > > said, ' Boss, if > > > you > > > don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom > > for just a moment. I'll be > > > right back.' > > > 'Ok.' I nervously replied. > > > She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of > > minutes, she came out > > > carrying a huge birthday cake .... Followed by my > > wife, my kids, and > > > dozens > > > of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy > > Birthday'. > > > > > > And I just sat there... > > > > > > On the couch... > > > > > > Naked.
|
|
|
Post by ca on Jun 13, 2008 13:27:13 GMT -5
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of coffee, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. .. . .
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
|
|
|
Post by ca on Jun 14, 2008 12:19:49 GMT -5
a wife tells her husband that they are tight for money so he will have to give the beer up.
he then caught her spending 60 bucks on makeup.
when he asked her how come he had to give stuff up and she didnt she replied
"its to make myself look pretty for you"
the man replied...............
"i thought that was what the beer was for" ;D
|
|
|
Post by ca on Jun 15, 2008 20:10:27 GMT -5
from a British site...... two women friends had gone for a girls night out, both were very faithful and loving wives. however they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on the Bacardi breezers. incredibly drunk, and walking home they both needed to pee. so they stopped off in the local cemetery. one of them had nothing to wipe with so thought she would take off her knickers and use them.... her friend on the other hand had on a very expensive pair of knickers and didnt want to ruin them. she was lucky enough to have squatted down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. after the girls had done their business they proceeded to stagger home. the next day one of the womens husbands phoned the other to say how concerned he was that his usually sweet, quiet wife was still in bed with the mother of all hangovers, and over that he suspected the worse as she came home with no knickers on............... the other husband replied, "i dont know what your concerned about, mine came in with her knickers in her bag and a card stuck to her @$$ that read............... from all the crew at the firestation we will never forget you.......
|
|
|
Post by arie on Jun 15, 2008 20:42:00 GMT -5
A husband and wife are shopping in Costco when the man picks up a case of Budweiser Beer and sticks it into the shopping cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on sale today, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says. 'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they continue on shopping. A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the shopping cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says. The man replies. 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BUDWEISER BEER AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'
|
|
|
Post by Rob on Jun 15, 2008 21:03:23 GMT -5
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
|
|
|
Post by Rob on Jun 15, 2008 21:06:18 GMT -5
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
|
|
|
Post by Rob on Jun 15, 2008 21:07:55 GMT -5
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
|
|
|
Post by ca on Jun 19, 2008 1:21:30 GMT -5
Free Tickets
I have 10 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at 'The Swamp' in Gainesville this weekend if anybody wants them. He's going to try to jump 500 Obama supporters with a bull dozer.
|
|
|
Post by ca on Jun 20, 2008 0:45:10 GMT -5
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Mommy fainted!
|
|
|
Post by ca on Jun 30, 2008 18:38:32 GMT -5
Overweight irishman goes to see his doctor.
doctor says "follow my instructions and within 2 weeks i'll guarantee you will lose 6 pounds. Eat sensibly for 2 days and then skip a day, continue this for 2 weeks and you'll lose the weight".
Irishman leaves and returns 2 weeks later. Doctor is shocked too see that the irishman had lost 50 pounds!
"bloody hell, did you follow my instructions??" yelled the doctor.
Irishman replies "yes, but be jesus i thought i was gonna die after the first week"
"From hunger i guess" said the doctor
"No, from all that bloody skipping!!" replied the irishman
|
|
|
Post by ca on Jul 1, 2008 16:59:37 GMT -5
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $20.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should ! tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then they began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."
|
|
|
Post by Rob on Jul 8, 2008 21:20:00 GMT -5
Gerry Garcia and Eric Clapton are walking through the woods. They wander into a camp of cannibals, and are taken to the holding hut. The head cannibal (no pun intended) comes to them and says "We are going to kill you and eat you. However, we are a civilized band, you will both be granted one last wish beforehand." Later that night, Garcia and Clapton are brought to a council, and are placed in front of the committee. The head cannibal (no pun intended) asks Garcia what his last wish is. " I wish to play the long version of "Truckin', one last time." Then they turn to Clapton. "What is your last wish?" Without hesitation, Clapton says "Kill me now."
|
|