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Post by arie on May 9, 2008 18:08:41 GMT -5
;DCNN reports Breaking News...................... CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do!
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Post by ca on May 10, 2008 16:11:24 GMT -5
You must NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER...... Never fart in a wetsuit!
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Post by ca on May 12, 2008 14:30:00 GMT -5
this guys sister who was pregnant was involved in an accident and went into a deep coma.
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and realizes she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about the fate of her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins, a girl and a boy!! The babies are fine now, but they were very poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately. Your brother came in to the hospital and named them".
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not my brother, he's a clueless idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, " well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise" says the doctor.
The new mother is mightily relieved. "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother, I like Denise. And what's the boy's name?"
"Denephew" says the doctor.
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Post by ca on May 13, 2008 22:18:26 GMT -5
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your firming panties."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she glared at him and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the boob and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your support bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the front of his pants.
With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."
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Post by ca on May 14, 2008 14:40:38 GMT -5
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Post by ca on May 15, 2008 14:37:09 GMT -5
A Cajun Walks Into A Bar.......... A pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my stuff inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this Spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink. The crowd murmured their approval. The man then stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, then placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on the top of it's head. The gator then opened his mouth and the man removed his stuff unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... "I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!
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Post by Rob on May 15, 2008 17:04:56 GMT -5
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
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Post by Rob on May 15, 2008 17:08:27 GMT -5
A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I actually did once." "And how did your husband look?" "Angry, very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us!"
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Post by ca on May 16, 2008 17:00:30 GMT -5
A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon, with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied..
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the wagon to her dogs' collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little Partner,' the fireman said, 'I don't want to tell you how to do your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster'
The girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren !!!
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Post by johnc118 on May 17, 2008 7:34:07 GMT -5
The Nightmare
In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!
Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color. Black.
I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.
But it's a wheelchair!!
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!
I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled.'
'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me.
I turn around, and it's my boyfriend.
Just what I needed!!!
I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.
Oh, my God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, queer, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!
Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and Oh, noooooo...I'm bald!!!
The telephone rings.
It's my brother.
He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.'
Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, queer with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan.
But he doesn't get it.
Frustrated, I hang up.
It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!
With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out.
I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker?
Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote for in the Primary?
Hillary or Obama???
Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat....
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Post by fuggug on May 17, 2008 7:47:24 GMT -5
Oh God. That was a crappy joke.
Fuggug
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Post by ca on May 17, 2008 13:23:19 GMT -5
now we are not here to judge the jokes. you may not like it because of the political humor but as a Republican, i love it ;D
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Post by ca on May 18, 2008 12:43:45 GMT -5
don't know how true these are but they're funny
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only se e their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
( I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of .... ?)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
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Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
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Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
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And, the best for last:
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
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Post by ca on May 20, 2008 16:20:16 GMT -5
Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
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Post by ca on May 22, 2008 16:24:40 GMT -5
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
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